Coaching for Elders What's this all about?

After getting my first real feedback on the concept of Elder Coaching, (which if you use the link below you will find a diatribe AGAINST elder coaching and coaching in general) from the great world wide web ,I am really grateful for the opportunity to illustrate some important points about this type of coaching and why it’s sorely needed in today’s world.

In his book, The American Book of Dying, Richard Groves who was a hospice chaplain for over twenty-five years takes on the problem of dying and why so many of us are not having an experience of what he calls “a good death.” His work with over 300 dying patients informed the writing of the book. He and his wife, Mary, have created the Center for the Sacred Art of Living which now includes the Sacred Art of Dying component. While grateful that hospice has become better known, Richard expresses the regret that many in the hospice movement have also shared, that there’s a piece missing. While we have addressed the need for pain management and care giving, we have missed the mark on the emotional and spiritual pain that often happens as death unfolds.

Richard is building a national movement for training what he calls “anam cara” or soul friend. His vision is that every one of us will have someone we know and trust to walk with us at the time of death. Every one of us will know how to hold the space for another person to process and be present to any unresolved concerns or issues that may get in the way of dying peacefully. Richard’s model uses the Celtic tradition to inform his program, as well as books of the dead and various cultural practices, such as Tibetan, Monastic, Egyptian, Native American, and so on.

Another proponent of creating a healthy culture around death and dying, Ira Byock, MD, the head of the American Academy of Hospice and Palliative Medicine, in his book Dying Well talks about the fact that Americans spend more money on medicine and high-tech care at the end of life than any other society in history. Yet at the moment of death, something essential is missing. Dr. Byock explains that it is a cultural piece that is missing, that if we can begin to imagine what a good death would be, we can then create that experience for our families and friends.

When exploring the literature out there around aging, much of what I have found relates to aging well, to not giving in to the cultural stigma around getting old. There is so much resistance to this however, that we seem to be unable to determine when it’s a good time to embrace our age. Given we are such a pragmatic society, that we are valued mainly for what we do and not who we are, it seems to make sense to avoid talk around aging. Yet, aging occurs. No matter how healthy we are, we will die. Some of us may die more aware than at any other time in our lives. Others of us may die in distress or without having had a chance to wipe our slate clean.

This is really what VIP Elder Care Coaching hopes to ameliorate. If we can offer one more voice in the wilderness, calling out and bringing light to the darkness, then we can be that change. We can offer stories of what a good death will look like. For example, let me tell you about Vip, the namesake of VIP Elder Care Coaching. His daughters asked me to begin to visit him after his admittance into a Board and Care facility. They were concerned about him; worried they had made a wrong decision. They wanted an extra pair of eyes to help them see what was best. This began a relationship that lasted for a year and a half. I would visit him every other week and he would somehow recognize that this was his time that he could explore and discuss whatever he needed to in the moment. I found that over the months, Vip was moving through some stages of awareness; that he was letting go of “stuff” from the past and that he was contemplating the future.

I was glad to be there when he moved into the active stage of dying. His family listened to my suggestions about dying well and they created the space for him to die in his way. The family really made the end of his life about him and what he needed. He was given the gift of a good death. Through the opportunities he had during our coaching sessions and during the actual dying process, Vip could be himself and say whatever and share whatever was important to him. His family was able to see that they were important to him and that he appreciated their care and concern. In this case, the word “dying” was never mentioned. It wasn’t necessary. What was needed was simple attention to him and his thought process. This is what VIP Elder Care Coaching can offer.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself to determine if you might benefit from VIP Elder Care Coaching:

Is there an elder in my family who is experiencing significant changes in levels of functioning or awareness?
Does this person have someone who can listen without agenda, without an emotional vested interest that might impede honest dialogue?
Is there a desire to enhance this developmental stage for the loved one?
Are there skills I can acquire that can allow me to be better able to offer the experience of a good death?

Currently we are offering free calls every third Wed. of the month for those interested in learning more. Please go to www.claimyoursage.com or email me at vernalwhispers@msn.com to gain access to the phone number and code.

There is so much more to be said about this. But let this be enough for now. If there is any spark of interest at all, don’t hesitate to reach out and connect with me. Right timing is so important. You will know if this is important for you now.